Jerry, you need to find god
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
