oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
