so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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