I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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