he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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