You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
