My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
