Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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