The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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