you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
