Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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