I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
