He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
