i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
