sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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