you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think my moral compass just broke
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
