Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
