I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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