Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
