DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
