Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
