I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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