hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
