I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
