i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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