he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
