i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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