did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
