there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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