fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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