Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
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