My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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