A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
