I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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