He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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