I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
