I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I met the friendliest cop last night
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
did you just send me my own nude
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
