I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
