Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
