i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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