we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
