its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
