My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
