It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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