dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm really busy with my period
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
