Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
