My hand turned me down
its not stalking. its research.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
