why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
