frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
