omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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